My Frenologies

I've heard it said that I may have Jewish blood in me somewhere back in my line. Jewish people often take me for one of their own. That's happened dozens of times. Wait. That's too much. But it's happened at least five times. That's a lot for Jewish people. It's possible. Poland had more Jews in the time my ancestor set sail for Canada. But there are a few facts about me to challenge this suggestion. I'm -uh- sort of Catholic. My mom's Irish. I have childhood memories of men in kilts scaring me with their loud bagpipes. My nose is prominent, but it is also, in profile, straight. My lobes are distinctly outgrown. (I'm just trying to reach these people in their own language.) Above all, man, do I SUCK at managing money! I am an absolute disgrace to the Hebrew race if that is the case.
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© 2010. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

We Are Not Abused

My muses are a bunch of wisegirls. They try to slip insults past me as I'm writing. Then, when I call them on it, they try to cover over it with a compliment. It's been going on for some time now. When I get my hands on them, I'm going to rip their wings off. Then I'm going to laugh at them as they try to fly away and they can't. And I'm going to put my hand in front of them to block their path and then, when they turn around, I'm going to put it back in their way. Or maybe I'll just rip one of their wings off and watch them flip over and over in confusion. Once they're tired, I'm getting out my wooden spoon and giving them each a good spanking.
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© 2007, 2010. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Suspect 'Usual'

I can't imagine what could have made me think of this as I was trying to sleep in this morning. Canada adopted a prison reform some time ago, preventing the use of 'cruel and unusual punishment' on inmates. It strikes me as oxymoronic. To me, a cruel punishment is far more cruel if it's usual, as in relentless. Anything else, being a freak occurrence, would be comparatively easy to get over. Sounds to me like prison is even more brutal than it was before.
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© 2010. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

It Hurts to Laugh

After watching a seriously funny SCTV clip from the 70's called Tabby Surprise Casserole, featuring the late, great John Candy as a conservative TV gourmet, advising the poor on how to stretch their food budget, I thought of one significant difference between myself and that character. I would not offer such dishes to the poor out of contempt, but from experience.
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Every Mushroom Cloud Has a Silver Lining

All the reports about nuclear weapons falling into the hands of madmen can be a little distressing if you don't know how to handle them. I take them very lightly. Wanna know my secret? I'm not racist. I'm not entirely sexist. But there is one group I do discriminate against quite shamelessly: the not yet conceived. See, if the whole world goes kablooey, we all still had the experience of life. We were all going to die anyway. And, if we're all equal, like it says in the constitution, well, it's only fair that we all go at the same time. The only group that misses out is the future generations. Who cares about them? We don't even know what they look like! Fuck 'em. Sleep well, friends. I hope this helped.
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© 2010. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Blitzer Krieg

The year is 1980. A distraught game show host drives his car off the executive lot for the last time. Alone, he is free to grumble. 'I can't believe they cancelled High Rollers again. And it's all because of that new cable news network, stealing away all my viewers. I won't forget this, even if I have to wait all the way to 2009!'
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© 2010. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Peanut Butter Pudding

Approximately two to five tablespoons of peanut butter. One bag of sugar. Combine peanut butter with sugar in a small glass. Stir with a fork for twenty-five minutes. A pinch of cinnamon is optional. Chill for twenty minutes, taste, and scrape into the garbage can.
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© 2010. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.